A little bit of fundraising

That isn't all over the national media.
Whilst I am sure Sport Relief is a very worthy cause there are so many smaller charities that don't get government funding, or huge celebratory promotion, or massive media presence.
Maybe if you tip a quid in the direction of Sport Relief you might want to give an equal amount to one of these smaller charities who struggle so much?

Direct Debit are running a big campaign at the moment

Recently a local friend blogger wrote a post nominating me for the award

It came at a time when I was struggling greatly with my training, my mentor at the time was giving me an incredibly hard time and I was doubting my abilities and wondering whether the last 2.5 years had been worth the heart break. Her words were like chicken soup for my soul. I had made a difference to her. That meant more than good marks in an assessment or an A* in an essay!

However I don't think I deserve that money. I am not in any great 'need' sure student life is tough, but hey I didn't train thinking I would be rich!

I have in turn nominated Hannah and her Mum, Julia (a single parent who gives her little girl an amazing quality of life, through sheer bloody hard work despite a lack of funding and yet still has her very autistic nephew to stay, offers to have my aspie kid, thinks nothing of taking the shirt of her back for you - a bit more about Julia's life is here), I ask you to please take the time to read her story here


I first met Hannah about 6 years ago when she joined the Brownies I used to run, no matter what sort of day I had, no matter how down I was - one smile from that little girl lit up the room and made you realise that the crap didn't matter.

4 years ago I started to raise money to buy an important piece of equipment to make Hannah and Julia's life easier. I have raised some money along the way - not as much as I would like, fundraising is hard going - not many people are willing to give, at times I felt like I was flogging a dead horse and then of course my life got in the way (Mr. B leaving, the course sucking my life) and I have not been as active as I should have been.

I know that Hannah needs so much more than the original equipment I set out to fund, and this money would go a long way to filling those needs

Please nominate Julia to win the money, I can not think of anyone who is more of a local hero than her!

Proud of my kids I am

yup really, little buggers they are. Drive me nuts most the time. But proud I am!

Biggest daughter has grown into a beautiful young woman, and despite the shocking commute hangs on to her job - not another unemployment statistic there, I am proud to say!

Middle girl, although she has her problems she does some very brave things - this week she not only took part in a multiple schools choir, but on the stage in front of 100's of strangers she stood up and spoke some lines - *bursts with pride*

Yesterday another Mum at school asked me if I was smallest childs mum, yeeeeees replies I, thinking what has she done now? I can tell you look alike replies the mum. Then she proceeds to tell me she had smallest child in her group onn school trip this week and what a delightful child she is - *yup totally proud popping going on here*!

Life might not be easy as a ingle Mum (yuck I hate writing that) but the rewards are so huge that sometimes its O.K

shit

I have never been a huge fan of Christmas

as a child it was always a stressful time, with mum and dad fighting

I just realised I am going to be on my own for Christmas

Shit

I can't do that

It is not a good time to be alone, not the time to be lonely

I dont know whether to laugh or cry at the thought of it

But I have to put on the smile and pretends its ok, because thats what we do isn't? god forbid other people should have to acknowledge how I feel, or see the pain I have.

So I will put the children to bed, hanging out their stockings and putting out santas sherry on my own
be woken up at silly o'clock and try not to give the empty bed space a weary look (you know the one 'awww bless them waking us up this early, but couldnt they bring a cup of tea with them' look)
I will lay the table for our traditional breakfast of croissants and scrambled eggs, minus a place setting
I will help the children open their presents, look at their faces and play with them

and I will try not to think about how lonely I am, and how no one cares whether I have a nice day or not.

And I can only hope against hope that he remembers to get them a card or present to give to me. because without even a card from the day will be truly awful

and lonely

A day without crying?

I want a day without crying, my eyes hurt, my head aches and I feel pathetic. The situation is always in my hand, taking over every part of my life. Without wanting to thoughts creep in, thoughts of how he left me. thoughts of how I am alone. thoughts of him and her together. together with my kids.
I don't even think I blinking love him anymore.
But I don't want to be alone, my whole future has been changed, and I don't know what to do about it.
I often think that if the kids weren't so dependent on me I would kill myself - not for the dramatics, but because I don't want to be alone anymore I hate it.
for nearly 17 years I have shared my life with the same person, slept in the same bed with them, grown up with them (cliche alert) given him the best years of my life.
Now I don't have that and it feels wrong, I don't want to go to bed on my own night after night, I don't want to be without that comfort of physical closeness.
I can't ever imagine knowing someone as well as I knew Mr. B, or him me - in fact I know that no one will ever know me that well - I wont let them.

I am going to get rid of my bed (a super king size) because its so lonely. I will get a new double bed. a bed that only I have slept in. ALONE.

I just don't want to cry anymore, but I don't want to be alone anymore either - but that's my lot in life now

the week ahead

Saturday - an invasion of small people for a movie afternoon, then a spot of paid babysitting in the evening
Sunday - kids off to their aunties for the day, studying for me then
Monday - lovely long day at work
Tuesday - Lunch at the Waffle House, followed by a walk around the lakes for Mums Birthday
Wednesday - a bit of pampering at Champneys
Thursday - Another long day at work (maybe a delivery or two this week please?)
Friday - Ditto Thursday

Not a bad week all in all!

Forward?

One step forward, two steps backwards. This seems to be the pattern on my life, for now. I have a day when actually I think I can cope, and then something happens and I am almost back at square one.
And that the point it’s almost square one, but not quite. I am surviving. But I can’t let go of the pain. I seem to torture myself with it. thinking about shared times, visiting places that have meaning to us, listening to music I know will make me cry, pouring over photos of happier times, in my mind comparing myself to her, imagining the moment when (who am I kidding) he realises that it’s all been a mistake and begs me to take him back.
Because that’s what is supposed to happen, he has his midlife crisis, gets it out of his system, and then comes home to his family.
But now there is HER, his child whore. I know she can convince him and those around that there was no hidden agenda to her friendship with him – but I remember being 22 and going out for what I wanted – and getting it.
Ever since the moment he told me it was over (and even before I believe) she has been there in the background, insidious and persuasive. Wanting what she hasn’t got, but is willing to take from another woman.
And so I sit and listen to music that hurts – pink ‘please don’t leave me’ ,Dolly Parton ‘Jolene’ , Katherine Jenkins ‘break it to my heart’, Dory Previn ‘beware the young girls’ – all these women sing to me, they know my pain.
And as long as I am feeling pain know I am alive

Way to go (insert swear word of choice)

Its been a little over 18 months since you ripped my world apart
I am a survivor
Its been 18 months of hell to be honest
but where was I on that grief path?
step 5 "It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."
In this last stage, individuals begin to come to terms with their mortality, or that of a loved one, or other tragic event.

yep folks, I was coming out the other end, light at the end of the tunnel and all that
I had got through two years of my course, and passed
I had decided to take the honours pathway and do a dissertation
I was reducing my anti depressants (and enjoying feeling real feelings)
I even thought about sorting out my diet to lose some of this weight I put on whilst comfort eating the grief away

And then tonight you did it again

after the kids are in bed, you tell me 'we need to talk' I know what is coming
'I am in a relationship and have been for 2 months'
'ok'
I can have the girls to stay with me at weekends now'
'o wow you are living together already'
'yes, and the girls can stay with us when you are doing your nightshift on Friday'
'ummmmm don't you think I should know a bit more about her before my girls meets her?'
'thing is if I tell you who it is you are going to jump to conclusion'

and bam that's it I know straight away - its Jo, your 'mate'. The bland Trollope. The whore who has been pivotal to all this. Who you said was just a friend, but as soon as you told me you weren't happy in our relationship her name kept cropping up.

Yep that Jo

The Jo that is young enough to be your daughter
who was 2 when my eldest daughter was born (your step daughter)
and who was only 12 when our first child was born
she isn't even old enough to be our youngest child's mother - not even a gym slip mum

really?

wow you must be so flattered a girl half your age in your bed

Me? well let me think I am 42, fat (morbidly obese if you believe the charts) I have saggy boobs (3 kids will do that) a tummy overhang (3 c sections will do that) and bags under my eyes big enough for Lady GaaGaa to pack her tour outfits in (3 kids AND a uni course will do that)

And you have traded me in for a young, slim (ish), blonde with no commitments

You must love your wonderful sense of freedom after being 'tied' down for 15 years by me and the kids.

And that is why I am sitting here at 4am, with eyes red from crying and a headache like a volcano is erupting looking a complete wreck.

Alone

yup very very alone

and scared

and not so sure about the surviving thing anymore

My kids will love her
she will be able to have so much fun with them
she has the energy
I bet she wont make them tidy their room and brush their teeth
and do their homework and brush their hair
and I bet they have time and money to take them to legoland
and the beech

and me?

I am alone, very very alone. and lonely and very very scared.

when I was 18 I had an affair with a man old enough to be my Dad (the same age I am now funnily enough) is this my punishment?

well they do say Karma will get you in the end

So watch your back Richard Burfot, beloved husband, partner of 15 years (yup I am still counting because we are still married) father of my children, lover, friend, confident,
and mind your step Jo Parrot, home wrecker, heart breaker, bland Trollope, slag, bitch, whore, tart, someones daughter

Karma will get you, I just hope I am there to see it

so no more Mrs nice guy - pass me the number for the CSA - sorry Mr B did you not realise her income now counts in the calculations - mmmmmm you may want to rethink your new wonderful lifestyle

hell hath no fury like a woman scorned - and o boy I am scorned

back to step 2 - ANGER