With the final result of my final piece of academic work released today I have officially completed my course.
Bsc Honours
wow - 3 long hard years, finished. At times I thought it would kill me - seriously
questioned my sanity many many times
with hindsight would I do it again? no - most definitely not. The course is the hardest thing I have ever done, and even now after completing and having a job to go to I am not sure I feel the love of it. Time will tell I guess. but right now I am terrified of working as a newly qualified. it seems this is normal, it seems all finalists feel this.
Dreams - weird dreams - of making terrible mistakes or being in terrible situations that cant be resolved.
waking in a cold sweat screaming and crying.
I hope this all passes
But for now I am going to enjoy my Annual Leave and try not to think about starting work too much!
Monday, 20 August 2012
Life is precious
My last post got me thinking a lot more about the fragility of life.
I have lost people close to me over the years, and the older I get the more this happens. My first memory of loss was my Grandad when I was 15 - it didn't really effect me I was nver close to him (he was 95 when he died) on relflection my Nan must have felt the loss - not only of her husband but the man who would take care of everything.
Then late last year my father in law died, very suddenly and just before he was 65. The effect on my was far deeper, and on my children - particularly my middle child.
But my poor mother in law, she had so much to cope with and at such a young age. not least of all the worry about money, even paying for the funeral seemed such a hurdle - she wasn't sure what insurances policies had been taken out and with whom.
This made me think much more about my future, I am only young (well 43 isn't old is it?) but who knows what's round the corner.
and I am a single parent with 2 young children who need caring for..........
I think I need to write a will, and I also think I need to plan a bit more for the future financially, which of course means life insurance.
I don't doubt for a moment my mum would take care of my children if anything happened to me, but is it fair to put a financial burden on a retired 70 year old?
Wow I think all this thinking and planning means I might actually be growing up!
I have lost people close to me over the years, and the older I get the more this happens. My first memory of loss was my Grandad when I was 15 - it didn't really effect me I was nver close to him (he was 95 when he died) on relflection my Nan must have felt the loss - not only of her husband but the man who would take care of everything.
Then late last year my father in law died, very suddenly and just before he was 65. The effect on my was far deeper, and on my children - particularly my middle child.
But my poor mother in law, she had so much to cope with and at such a young age. not least of all the worry about money, even paying for the funeral seemed such a hurdle - she wasn't sure what insurances policies had been taken out and with whom.
This made me think much more about my future, I am only young (well 43 isn't old is it?) but who knows what's round the corner.
and I am a single parent with 2 young children who need caring for..........
I think I need to write a will, and I also think I need to plan a bit more for the future financially, which of course means life insurance.
I don't doubt for a moment my mum would take care of my children if anything happened to me, but is it fair to put a financial burden on a retired 70 year old?
Wow I think all this thinking and planning means I might actually be growing up!
Saturday, 21 July 2012
Social Networking
facebook, twitter, bbm, kik, whatsapp......
all these places to communicate, network and chat.
On the whole people I encounter are lovely many of who I chat to I already know in 'the flesh'
some I have chatted to only online, but have so much fun and they are interesting a witty people
on the whole
but boy oh boy it can be a weird place.......
you cannot be easily offended, or shocked, in my opinion. It seems folks have a bravado online which makes them say things I am not sure they would say normally..... or maybe they would - who am I to say?
How do you sort out the good guys from the rest? I don't know yet, trial and error? Be careful what you say, don't rise to the bait of the 'trolls' and be careful what you share with others.
That's the best place to start....
Wednesday, 4 July 2012
sadness
At work we have a very small moses basket. Its kept in the utility room.
It makes me sad when I see it.
It gets used far too often. that makes me sad
It was used again today. I am very sad.
I will light my candle again tonight
It makes me sad when I see it.
It gets used far too often. that makes me sad
It was used again today. I am very sad.
I will light my candle again tonight
Saturday, 30 June 2012
Somebody wants me!
Last week I arrived at the hospital - suited and booted, knees like jelly, sick to the pit of my stomach - for THE JOB INTERVIEW
The 1.5 hours of my life that the last 4 years have been building up to - nervous? me? no not at all!
just a small matter of getting through the skills and drills, drug calculation paper and an interview with 2 senior midwives (labour ward co ordinator and consultant midwife in my case!)
I managed to scrape 90% on paper (pass mark), skills were scary but got through it, interview well all I can say is I spoke like a rabid baboon.
but apparently the trust like rabid baboons because I ONLY WENT & GOT OFFERED THE JOB!
Now thats proper scary grown up stuff right? someone believes in me, in the fact I can be a good midwife.
Do you know what that means? It means that perhaps I should start believing in myself!
a small matter of my dissertation passing (yes I finished it and submitted), completing my skills book, 3 x 1k essays, nmc registration and 15 shifts as a student............
How exciting!
The 1.5 hours of my life that the last 4 years have been building up to - nervous? me? no not at all!
just a small matter of getting through the skills and drills, drug calculation paper and an interview with 2 senior midwives (labour ward co ordinator and consultant midwife in my case!)
I managed to scrape 90% on paper (pass mark), skills were scary but got through it, interview well all I can say is I spoke like a rabid baboon.
but apparently the trust like rabid baboons because I ONLY WENT & GOT OFFERED THE JOB!
Now thats proper scary grown up stuff right? someone believes in me, in the fact I can be a good midwife.
Do you know what that means? It means that perhaps I should start believing in myself!
a small matter of my dissertation passing (yes I finished it and submitted), completing my skills book, 3 x 1k essays, nmc registration and 15 shifts as a student............
How exciting!
Saturday, 16 June 2012
The Fog Is Clearing
That's honestly how it feels. The last 2.5 years have been the worse I have ever been through, for a while it felt like my world had quite literally collapsed.
I was left standing in the middle of the rubble that was once my life, my dreams stolen and smashed. Me wondering what the hell to do next.
But instead of trying to work out what to do next I just carried on.
Dealt with the house, dealt with the bills, dealt with the kids, dealt with life.
But not actually living life
Putting on my uniform and going to work, and making a positive difference to other women's lives. Whilst mine turned from rubble to dust, and eventually blew away in a gust of angry wind.
and I was left with nothing.
Yes of course I had my kids, my home, my dream uni place........ and I know how lucky I was to have those (without them I probably wouldn't be here) but no real life, just functioning - numb from the grief of losing my husband, lover, best friend, my rock, my one constant.......
and dumb from the anti depressants I took - the dosage quadrupled by the GP in the wake of everything that happened.
Then early this year I started to wake up, and decided I didn't want to take the anti depressants anymore - I wanted to *feel* even if that was to feel pain, hurt, sadness and anger - but it must also mean to feel love, happiness, joy, pleasure......
So I started to wean myself off - it was awful, the withdrawal side effects were hideous. but I did it and I took the last tablet 77 days ago (yes I am counting ) and life hasn't go easier, yes I feel pain - lots of it. I also feel happiness and joy - and that feeling is amazing, I feel my heart could burst at times. When I am sad and cry, I can hold on to that feeling.
And Mr B? well I don't think he copes well with me 'getting on with life' some friends pointed this out to me, the stronger I become the more insecure he becomes - he throws obstacles in my way to try to destroy me, withdraws childcare, gets shitty about money, accuses me of being bitchy and starting fights...... I can see through it all now - like my eyes are finally open!
I faced a fear a few weeks ago and had a mirena fitted, probably seems like nothing to a man, and many women would say whats the fuss about - but for me this was a big thing, and very traumatic. But I did it. I am taking control.
I joined a dating website! and I am having so much fun.... nothing serious, some flirting, some meeting, maybe a bit more - but feeling like someone desires my company, finds me fun to be with, enjoys my chat. That makes me feel wonderful. I probably wont find Mr. Right, but its fun for what it is.
I have shied away from any camera for years, as long as I remember I have felt self conscious when a lens is around. Yesterday at work there was a crew in filming a 'virtual tour' of our new maternity unit. I was asked if I was happy to be in it - and I agreed not a flinch! me! well I could have laughed my socks off.
Yep I am taking control of my life, embracing every experience, and I fully expect to have down days, because that's normal right?
I am normal, right?
I was left standing in the middle of the rubble that was once my life, my dreams stolen and smashed. Me wondering what the hell to do next.
But instead of trying to work out what to do next I just carried on.
Dealt with the house, dealt with the bills, dealt with the kids, dealt with life.
But not actually living life
Putting on my uniform and going to work, and making a positive difference to other women's lives. Whilst mine turned from rubble to dust, and eventually blew away in a gust of angry wind.
and I was left with nothing.
Yes of course I had my kids, my home, my dream uni place........ and I know how lucky I was to have those (without them I probably wouldn't be here) but no real life, just functioning - numb from the grief of losing my husband, lover, best friend, my rock, my one constant.......
and dumb from the anti depressants I took - the dosage quadrupled by the GP in the wake of everything that happened.
Then early this year I started to wake up, and decided I didn't want to take the anti depressants anymore - I wanted to *feel* even if that was to feel pain, hurt, sadness and anger - but it must also mean to feel love, happiness, joy, pleasure......
So I started to wean myself off - it was awful, the withdrawal side effects were hideous. but I did it and I took the last tablet 77 days ago (yes I am counting ) and life hasn't go easier, yes I feel pain - lots of it. I also feel happiness and joy - and that feeling is amazing, I feel my heart could burst at times. When I am sad and cry, I can hold on to that feeling.
And Mr B? well I don't think he copes well with me 'getting on with life' some friends pointed this out to me, the stronger I become the more insecure he becomes - he throws obstacles in my way to try to destroy me, withdraws childcare, gets shitty about money, accuses me of being bitchy and starting fights...... I can see through it all now - like my eyes are finally open!
I faced a fear a few weeks ago and had a mirena fitted, probably seems like nothing to a man, and many women would say whats the fuss about - but for me this was a big thing, and very traumatic. But I did it. I am taking control.
I joined a dating website! and I am having so much fun.... nothing serious, some flirting, some meeting, maybe a bit more - but feeling like someone desires my company, finds me fun to be with, enjoys my chat. That makes me feel wonderful. I probably wont find Mr. Right, but its fun for what it is.
I have shied away from any camera for years, as long as I remember I have felt self conscious when a lens is around. Yesterday at work there was a crew in filming a 'virtual tour' of our new maternity unit. I was asked if I was happy to be in it - and I agreed not a flinch! me! well I could have laughed my socks off.
Yep I am taking control of my life, embracing every experience, and I fully expect to have down days, because that's normal right?
I am normal, right?
Thursday, 7 June 2012
I'm *so* sorry
I didn't realise you were still there, waiting for me to write more crap!
The last post was sad, it was a sad event. But hey I am superhuman right? Picked myself up, brushed myself down - yadayadayada.
But its true you just go on fighting, moving forward, wading through the shit
YES I am still trying to write my dissertation
YES I am still dreading my next placement
YES I am still doing too much for my Dad
YES I am still struggling to be an adequate Mum
YES I am still alone
But its my shit and I am dealing with it, in my own perpetually confused way!
MY Dissertation is nearly finished
MY next placement is only 6 shifts
MY Dad assures me he will be dead soon (cheers Dad)
MY kids think I am an OK Mum, mostly
I am alone - but not lonely
Because if this taught me one thing, it taught me that I can be wanted, and desired. and I can choose to run with that, or I can choose to be alone and enjoy my own company and that of my friends.
Or I can choose to do both - because I can date, without committing my life to a man, I can have a bit of a flirt and enjoy myself without introducing him to my kids! Who knows, maybe one day one of these flirts or fun dates will become something, but for now I am on my own, not alone and I am doing O.K with it
The last post was sad, it was a sad event. But hey I am superhuman right? Picked myself up, brushed myself down - yadayadayada.
But its true you just go on fighting, moving forward, wading through the shit
YES I am still trying to write my dissertation
YES I am still dreading my next placement
YES I am still doing too much for my Dad
YES I am still struggling to be an adequate Mum
YES I am still alone
But its my shit and I am dealing with it, in my own perpetually confused way!
MY Dissertation is nearly finished
MY next placement is only 6 shifts
MY Dad assures me he will be dead soon (cheers Dad)
MY kids think I am an OK Mum, mostly
I am alone - but not lonely
Because if this taught me one thing, it taught me that I can be wanted, and desired. and I can choose to run with that, or I can choose to be alone and enjoy my own company and that of my friends.
Or I can choose to do both - because I can date, without committing my life to a man, I can have a bit of a flirt and enjoy myself without introducing him to my kids! Who knows, maybe one day one of these flirts or fun dates will become something, but for now I am on my own, not alone and I am doing O.K with it
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