confused and fucked up

This blog post was going to be about me, how fucked up I am. How life confuses me. But as I wrote it something occurred to me, other peoples actions actually have a massive impact on that state of  my confusion.

When we have something on our minds, or in our hearts, we spend so much time dwelling on it, thinking about how to say it, forming the words in a way to protect ourselves.

But what about the person you are saying them to? Do we give as much thought to that? Sure if we are telling them bad news we always try to deliver it gently.  What about the other stuff? stuff that makes us feel good inside.

That person you fancy, you've had your eye on them. They are friendly towards you. You think you're reading the signals right. So *boom* you tell them.

I want you

You're the one for me

I need you

Do we give a thought for their feelings? or take into account your situation?

*boom*

I want you (its OK if I am married)

You're the one for me (my wife was just there to pass the time)

I need you (I don't care that it will break your heart)

This is coming from recent experience. What about my feelings in all that? I'm in a new relationship that's going so well. One that I think probably has a future. Then someone comes along and chucks their feelings at you and expects you to process it. their feelings and yours.

Its taken me all day to write this post. As I couldn't work out where I was going with it. Maybe nowhere. Maybe this post has no moral. Its just a moan and whine. Maybe by writing this I have looked at myself, and how I am. How I behave around others.

But then am I saying that I deserved it, because I like a laugh and a giggle with people?
just like girls who go out at night as to be attacked?
should I change the way I behave, so that men don't think its OK to act on their impulses? change the way I talk, the way I dress, act, smile, laugh, look at people.

Maybe I should get a fan and hide behind it? Not use social networking sites so I don't put temptation out there?

Well I don't see why I should. And I am not going to, I like the person I am. Mostly.

OK so perhaps the moral here is be careful, don't trample all over peoples feelings. Even if you think what you are saying or revealing is wonderful. It may open a can of worms you aren't ready for.

resistance is futile (seemingly)

2012 has seen a few exciting events for Great Britain - The Diamond Jubilee, GB winning the Tour de France, I qualified as a Midwife (ok ok, so maybe not a national event), and also we hosted the 2012 Olympics.


The country went bloody mad about it, and quite frankly it annoyed the hell out of me. the TV was full of it, the papers was full of it, my flipping Twitter time line was full of it.  That was even before the event kicked off!

The torch arriving in a town was gauranteed to cause a major upheaval.

Everything and everyone was covered in the Union flag (please note, that we are talking about the union flag - its not a Jack unless its on a boat, a number of our patriotic residents might do well to remember that!).

once the opening ceremony was underway you couldn't move for the flipping Olympics.

I avoided it, even the opening ceremony. Actually that was accidental I didn't necesarily plan to but I was asked on a dinner date, and who am I to resist that?

But then it became almost a personal challenge of mine to make sure I DID NOT WATCH A SINGLE BLOODY EVENT.

ok I do admit to downloading the Dressage event on iplayer and I did watch that last week.

But that is all.

However then the closing ceremony was here and I felt a small tinge of regret that I hadn't made the effort (shush don't tell anyone).

Then the Paralympics was upon us and I decided to correct that regret and bought tickets for blokey and me to see the road racing event at Brands Hatch. I started the day with some trepidation, thought I would be bored pantless. Ha! how wrong can you be? it was brilliant. the paralympians, the atmosphere, the volunteers, the spectators, the organisation of it - all brilliant, honestly couldn't fault a thing.
Every nation cheering for everyone, spectators and crew alike.

Awesome, amazing, incredible.

Seeing a GB gold being won was spectacular. Standing right by the podium as the medals were awarded. Then to see the Union flag hoisted up the pole and the British National Anthem being played, put shivers down my spine.

Yes flipping amazing.

I only wish I had not been so stubborn in the first place and enjoyed it a bit more!

Trust

So here's a thing that I didn't think I would be writing about again so soon.
Relationships, or rather an intimate relationship.Defined by good old Wiki as 

An intimate relationship is a particularly close interpersonal relationship that involves physical or emotional intimacy. Physical intimacy is characterized by romantic or passionate sex and attachment, or sexual activity. 
Intimate relationships play a central role in the overall human experience. Humans have a general desire to belong and to love which is usually satisfied within an intimate relationship. Intimate relationships involve the physical and sexual attraction by one person to another, liking and loving, romantic feelings and sexual relationships, as well as the seeking of a mate and emotional and personal support of each other. 
Intimate relationships provide a social network for people that provide strong emotional attachments, and fulfill our universal need of belonging and the need to be cared for.

Yes readers, I am in a relationship. Its official. We've been seeing each other a little over 2 months and its good. Its fun. Its lovely. Its satisfying. Its actually looking to be a bit serious.

Trust.

Not something I have a lot of in other human beings, having been let down so badly in the past. 

Trust

apparently you need that to build a good relationship. That's a bit tricky then.  He says all these wonderful things to me. Looks me in the eyes and tells me I am the one for him, the only one, no one has ever made him feel like this before.

And in my head I think; who else have you said that to. Am I just another woman to be fed the same line?

I ask him, no he says. Trust me he says

I can't. I can't trust. giving my trust to someone is too much, too dangerous. 

He says he understands, will be patient, understands I have barriers up for self preservation.

He could be the one for me too. But I worry perhaps I am not ready? the right person, but at the very wrong time?

Trust, such a small simply word that carries so much weight and importance in life.

I barely trust myself to not wreck this relationship, I am so good at that - pushing them away to protect myself, and pushing too hard.  

So
How can I trust him not to take my heart and walk away with it? 

*gulp*

With the final result of my final piece of academic work released today I have officially completed my course.

Bsc Honours

wow - 3 long hard years, finished.  At times I thought it would kill me - seriously
questioned my sanity many many times

with hindsight would I do it again? no - most definitely not. The course is the hardest thing I have ever done, and even now after completing and having a job to go to I am not sure I feel the love of it.  Time will tell I guess. but right now I am terrified of working as a newly qualified. it seems this is normal, it seems all finalists feel this.

Dreams - weird dreams - of making terrible mistakes or being in terrible situations that cant be resolved.

waking in a cold sweat screaming and crying.

I hope this all passes


But for now I am going to enjoy my Annual Leave and try not to think about starting work too much!

Life is precious

My last post got me thinking a lot more about the fragility of life.

I have lost people close to me over the years, and the older I get the more this happens.  My first memory of loss was my Grandad when I was 15 - it didn't really effect me I was nver close to him (he was 95 when he died) on relflection my Nan must have felt the loss - not only of her husband but the man who would take care of everything.

Then late last year my father in law died, very suddenly and just before he was 65. The effect on my was far deeper, and on my children - particularly my middle child.

But my poor mother in law, she had so much to cope with and at such a young age. not least of all the worry about money, even paying for the funeral seemed such a hurdle - she wasn't sure what insurances policies had been taken out and with whom.

This made me think much more about my future, I am only young (well 43 isn't old is it?) but who knows what's round the corner.
and I am a single parent with 2 young children who need caring for..........

I think I need to write a will, and I also think I need to plan a bit more for the future financially, which of course means life insurance.

I don't doubt for a moment my mum would take care of my children if anything happened to me, but is it fair to put a financial burden on a retired 70 year old?

Wow I think all this thinking and planning means I might actually be growing up!

Social Networking

Do you?
facebook, twitter, bbm, kik, whatsapp......
all these places to communicate, network and chat.
On the whole people I encounter are lovely many of who I chat to I already know in 'the flesh'
some I have chatted to only online, but have so much fun and they are interesting a witty people
on the whole

but boy oh boy it can be a weird place.......

you cannot be easily offended, or shocked, in my opinion. It seems folks have a bravado online which makes them say things I am not sure they would say normally..... or maybe they would - who am I to say?

How do you sort out the good guys from the rest? I don't know yet, trial and error? Be careful what you say, don't rise to the bait of the 'trolls' and be careful what you share with others.

That's the best place to start....

sadness

At work we have a very small moses basket. Its kept in the utility room.
It makes me sad when I see it.
It gets used far too often. that makes me sad
It was used again today. I am very sad.

I will light my candle again tonight