So Where Shall I Take You First?

I could tell you how much I enjoyed those 10 wonderful weeks off between finishing my course and starting my job, but to be honest so much has happened since then I barely remember what I did!

Cleaned things, sorted things, grew my nails and painted them, chilled out a lot!

Spent lots of time with blokey - but more of that later.

I'll start with my new Job - which soon turned out to be an awful time

Monday 1st October 2012 - for a week of mandatory training (which was tediously boring to be honest, but hey if the trust want to pay me to sit in a room then so be it!)

But then on Thursday 4th October, I received a text message at work from my Dads partner 'Dad very ill in hospital, not looking good'

Nothing else, and the only response to my text is to tell me where he is. Of course I left work and went straight to Princess Alexander Hospital to see him - she left as soon as I arrived - so I was still non the wiser.

He was in the acute admissions unit when I arrived, but was transferred a few hours later to a respiratory care ward, as his main issue seemed to be his COPD at this point. Once he was settled I headed home.
I went directly to visit him the next day, he was not in a good way. his respiration was so fast it was uncountable, his pulse was around 180 bpm, his BP through his boots and it seemed he was having multiple cardiac arrests. I was advised to phone his partner, and when she arrived the Doctor gave us 'this is the end' talk.

That day was the day of my long awaited graduation ball, with my lovely friend Vicki coming to be my date. My perfect, shoes and bag bought.  The room booked.  Everything planned and looked forward to.

And now Dad is gravely ill in hospital, on 3 hourly morphine, unconscious, not expected to last the night.

Then his partner said to go, it made sense. If he was going that night, me being there wouldn't change it. And so a dash back home to grab my stuff and rush to the hotel.  A hurried get ready - not the luxurious use of the spa facilities we had planned. My darling Vicki stuck to water all night, so if I did get the call she could drive me straight there.

It was not the evening I expected to have, I didn't really have much fun.  I wanted to spend more time talking to the wonderful students I had worked so hard with, but my mind was elsewhere and I sent most the evening close to tears.

I am upsetting myself now typing this.  I shouldn't have gone. I should have sat with Dad. But we make the choices we do at the time because we feel they are right.

That's all I can blog for tonight, its really quite emotionally draining dragging this back up again.

I will continue the tale though, very soon.

Insert head firmly in sand

And let the world take you for a ride

Yes that pretty much sums up my life since my last post in September.

However now I am back on my game, like never before.

And Oh Boy do I have such a lot to update you with.

Are you ready? shall I begin?

Yes I will, but not right now, I have a sink to unblock and cake pops to ice!

confused and fucked up

This blog post was going to be about me, how fucked up I am. How life confuses me. But as I wrote it something occurred to me, other peoples actions actually have a massive impact on that state of  my confusion.

When we have something on our minds, or in our hearts, we spend so much time dwelling on it, thinking about how to say it, forming the words in a way to protect ourselves.

But what about the person you are saying them to? Do we give as much thought to that? Sure if we are telling them bad news we always try to deliver it gently.  What about the other stuff? stuff that makes us feel good inside.

That person you fancy, you've had your eye on them. They are friendly towards you. You think you're reading the signals right. So *boom* you tell them.

I want you

You're the one for me

I need you

Do we give a thought for their feelings? or take into account your situation?

*boom*

I want you (its OK if I am married)

You're the one for me (my wife was just there to pass the time)

I need you (I don't care that it will break your heart)

This is coming from recent experience. What about my feelings in all that? I'm in a new relationship that's going so well. One that I think probably has a future. Then someone comes along and chucks their feelings at you and expects you to process it. their feelings and yours.

Its taken me all day to write this post. As I couldn't work out where I was going with it. Maybe nowhere. Maybe this post has no moral. Its just a moan and whine. Maybe by writing this I have looked at myself, and how I am. How I behave around others.

But then am I saying that I deserved it, because I like a laugh and a giggle with people?
just like girls who go out at night as to be attacked?
should I change the way I behave, so that men don't think its OK to act on their impulses? change the way I talk, the way I dress, act, smile, laugh, look at people.

Maybe I should get a fan and hide behind it? Not use social networking sites so I don't put temptation out there?

Well I don't see why I should. And I am not going to, I like the person I am. Mostly.

OK so perhaps the moral here is be careful, don't trample all over peoples feelings. Even if you think what you are saying or revealing is wonderful. It may open a can of worms you aren't ready for.

resistance is futile (seemingly)

2012 has seen a few exciting events for Great Britain - The Diamond Jubilee, GB winning the Tour de France, I qualified as a Midwife (ok ok, so maybe not a national event), and also we hosted the 2012 Olympics.


The country went bloody mad about it, and quite frankly it annoyed the hell out of me. the TV was full of it, the papers was full of it, my flipping Twitter time line was full of it.  That was even before the event kicked off!

The torch arriving in a town was gauranteed to cause a major upheaval.

Everything and everyone was covered in the Union flag (please note, that we are talking about the union flag - its not a Jack unless its on a boat, a number of our patriotic residents might do well to remember that!).

once the opening ceremony was underway you couldn't move for the flipping Olympics.

I avoided it, even the opening ceremony. Actually that was accidental I didn't necesarily plan to but I was asked on a dinner date, and who am I to resist that?

But then it became almost a personal challenge of mine to make sure I DID NOT WATCH A SINGLE BLOODY EVENT.

ok I do admit to downloading the Dressage event on iplayer and I did watch that last week.

But that is all.

However then the closing ceremony was here and I felt a small tinge of regret that I hadn't made the effort (shush don't tell anyone).

Then the Paralympics was upon us and I decided to correct that regret and bought tickets for blokey and me to see the road racing event at Brands Hatch. I started the day with some trepidation, thought I would be bored pantless. Ha! how wrong can you be? it was brilliant. the paralympians, the atmosphere, the volunteers, the spectators, the organisation of it - all brilliant, honestly couldn't fault a thing.
Every nation cheering for everyone, spectators and crew alike.

Awesome, amazing, incredible.

Seeing a GB gold being won was spectacular. Standing right by the podium as the medals were awarded. Then to see the Union flag hoisted up the pole and the British National Anthem being played, put shivers down my spine.

Yes flipping amazing.

I only wish I had not been so stubborn in the first place and enjoyed it a bit more!

Trust

So here's a thing that I didn't think I would be writing about again so soon.
Relationships, or rather an intimate relationship.Defined by good old Wiki as 

An intimate relationship is a particularly close interpersonal relationship that involves physical or emotional intimacy. Physical intimacy is characterized by romantic or passionate sex and attachment, or sexual activity. 
Intimate relationships play a central role in the overall human experience. Humans have a general desire to belong and to love which is usually satisfied within an intimate relationship. Intimate relationships involve the physical and sexual attraction by one person to another, liking and loving, romantic feelings and sexual relationships, as well as the seeking of a mate and emotional and personal support of each other. 
Intimate relationships provide a social network for people that provide strong emotional attachments, and fulfill our universal need of belonging and the need to be cared for.

Yes readers, I am in a relationship. Its official. We've been seeing each other a little over 2 months and its good. Its fun. Its lovely. Its satisfying. Its actually looking to be a bit serious.

Trust.

Not something I have a lot of in other human beings, having been let down so badly in the past. 

Trust

apparently you need that to build a good relationship. That's a bit tricky then.  He says all these wonderful things to me. Looks me in the eyes and tells me I am the one for him, the only one, no one has ever made him feel like this before.

And in my head I think; who else have you said that to. Am I just another woman to be fed the same line?

I ask him, no he says. Trust me he says

I can't. I can't trust. giving my trust to someone is too much, too dangerous. 

He says he understands, will be patient, understands I have barriers up for self preservation.

He could be the one for me too. But I worry perhaps I am not ready? the right person, but at the very wrong time?

Trust, such a small simply word that carries so much weight and importance in life.

I barely trust myself to not wreck this relationship, I am so good at that - pushing them away to protect myself, and pushing too hard.  

So
How can I trust him not to take my heart and walk away with it? 

*gulp*

With the final result of my final piece of academic work released today I have officially completed my course.

Bsc Honours

wow - 3 long hard years, finished.  At times I thought it would kill me - seriously
questioned my sanity many many times

with hindsight would I do it again? no - most definitely not. The course is the hardest thing I have ever done, and even now after completing and having a job to go to I am not sure I feel the love of it.  Time will tell I guess. but right now I am terrified of working as a newly qualified. it seems this is normal, it seems all finalists feel this.

Dreams - weird dreams - of making terrible mistakes or being in terrible situations that cant be resolved.

waking in a cold sweat screaming and crying.

I hope this all passes


But for now I am going to enjoy my Annual Leave and try not to think about starting work too much!

Life is precious

My last post got me thinking a lot more about the fragility of life.

I have lost people close to me over the years, and the older I get the more this happens.  My first memory of loss was my Grandad when I was 15 - it didn't really effect me I was nver close to him (he was 95 when he died) on relflection my Nan must have felt the loss - not only of her husband but the man who would take care of everything.

Then late last year my father in law died, very suddenly and just before he was 65. The effect on my was far deeper, and on my children - particularly my middle child.

But my poor mother in law, she had so much to cope with and at such a young age. not least of all the worry about money, even paying for the funeral seemed such a hurdle - she wasn't sure what insurances policies had been taken out and with whom.

This made me think much more about my future, I am only young (well 43 isn't old is it?) but who knows what's round the corner.
and I am a single parent with 2 young children who need caring for..........

I think I need to write a will, and I also think I need to plan a bit more for the future financially, which of course means life insurance.

I don't doubt for a moment my mum would take care of my children if anything happened to me, but is it fair to put a financial burden on a retired 70 year old?

Wow I think all this thinking and planning means I might actually be growing up!