Saturday, 30 June 2012

Somebody wants me!

Last week I arrived at the hospital - suited and booted, knees like jelly, sick to the pit of my stomach - for THE JOB INTERVIEW

The 1.5 hours of my life that the last 4 years have been building up to - nervous? me? no not at all!

just a small matter of getting through the skills and drills, drug calculation paper and an interview with 2 senior midwives (labour ward co ordinator and consultant midwife in my case!)

I managed to scrape 90% on paper (pass mark), skills were scary but got through it, interview well all I can say is I spoke like a rabid baboon.

but apparently the trust like rabid baboons because I ONLY WENT & GOT OFFERED THE JOB!

Now thats proper scary grown up stuff right? someone believes in me, in the fact I can be a good midwife.

Do you know what that means? It means that perhaps I should start believing in myself!

a small matter of my dissertation passing (yes I finished it and submitted), completing my skills book, 3 x 1k essays, nmc registration and 15 shifts as a student............

How exciting!

Saturday, 16 June 2012

The Fog Is Clearing

That's honestly how it feels.  The last 2.5 years have been the worse I have ever been through, for a while it felt like my world had quite literally collapsed.

I was left standing in the middle of the rubble that was once my life, my dreams stolen and smashed.  Me wondering what the hell to do next.

But instead of trying to work out what to do next I just carried on.

Dealt with the house, dealt with the bills, dealt with the kids, dealt with life.

But not actually living life

Putting on my uniform and going to work, and making a positive difference to other women's lives.  Whilst mine turned from rubble to dust, and eventually blew away in a gust of angry wind.

and I was left with nothing.

Yes of course I had my kids, my home, my dream uni place........ and I know how lucky I was to have those (without them I probably wouldn't be here) but no real life, just functioning - numb from the grief of losing my husband, lover, best friend, my rock, my one constant.......

and dumb from the anti depressants I took - the dosage quadrupled by the GP in the wake of everything that happened.

Then early this year I started to wake up, and decided I didn't want to take the anti depressants anymore - I wanted to *feel* even if that was to feel pain, hurt, sadness and anger - but it must also mean to feel love, happiness, joy, pleasure......

So I started to wean myself off - it was awful, the withdrawal side effects were hideous.  but I did it and I took the last tablet 77 days ago (yes I am counting ) and life hasn't go easier, yes I feel pain - lots of it.  I also feel happiness and joy - and that feeling is amazing, I feel my heart could burst at times. When I am sad and cry, I can hold on to that feeling.

And Mr B? well I don't think he copes well with me 'getting on with life' some friends pointed this out to me, the stronger I become the more insecure he becomes - he throws obstacles in my way to try to destroy me, withdraws childcare, gets shitty about money, accuses me of being bitchy and starting fights...... I can see through it all now - like my eyes are finally open!

I faced a fear a few weeks ago and had a mirena fitted, probably seems like nothing to a man, and many women would say whats the fuss about - but for me this was a big thing, and very traumatic.  But I did it.  I am taking control.

I joined a dating website! and I am having so much fun.... nothing serious, some flirting, some meeting, maybe a bit more - but feeling like someone desires my company, finds me fun to be with, enjoys my chat. That makes me feel wonderful.  I probably wont find Mr. Right, but its fun for what it is.

I have shied away from any camera for years, as long as I remember I have felt self conscious when a lens is around.  Yesterday at work there was a crew in filming a 'virtual tour' of our new maternity unit. I was asked if I was happy to be in it - and I agreed not a flinch! me! well I could have laughed my socks off.

Yep I am taking control of my life, embracing every experience, and I fully expect to have down days, because that's normal right?

I am normal, right?

Thursday, 7 June 2012

I'm *so* sorry

I didn't realise you were still there, waiting for me to write more crap!

The last post was sad, it was a sad event. But hey I am superhuman right? Picked myself up, brushed myself down - yadayadayada.

But its true you just go on fighting, moving forward, wading through the shit

YES I am still trying to write my dissertation
YES I am still dreading my next placement
YES I am still doing too much for my Dad
YES I am still struggling to be an adequate Mum
YES I am still alone

But its my shit and I am dealing with it, in my own perpetually confused way!

MY Dissertation is nearly finished
MY next placement is only 6 shifts
MY Dad assures me he will be dead soon (cheers Dad)
MY kids think I am an OK Mum, mostly
I am alone - but not lonely

Because if this taught me one thing, it taught me that I can be wanted, and desired. and I can choose to run with that, or I can choose to be alone and enjoy my own company and that of my friends.

Or I can choose to do both - because I can date, without committing my life to a man, I can have a bit of a flirt and enjoy myself without introducing him to my kids! Who knows, maybe one day one of these flirts or fun dates will become something, but for now I am on my own, not alone and I am doing O.K with it