Sunday, 30 October 2011


One step forward, two steps backwards. This seems to be the pattern on my life, for now. I have a day when actually I think I can cope, and then something happens and I am almost back at square one.
And that the point it’s almost square one, but not quite. I am surviving. But I can’t let go of the pain. I seem to torture myself with it. thinking about shared times, visiting places that have meaning to us, listening to music I know will make me cry, pouring over photos of happier times, in my mind comparing myself to her, imagining the moment when (who am I kidding) he realises that it’s all been a mistake and begs me to take him back.
Because that’s what is supposed to happen, he has his midlife crisis, gets it out of his system, and then comes home to his family.
But now there is HER, his child whore. I know she can convince him and those around that there was no hidden agenda to her friendship with him – but I remember being 22 and going out for what I wanted – and getting it.
Ever since the moment he told me it was over (and even before I believe) she has been there in the background, insidious and persuasive. Wanting what she hasn’t got, but is willing to take from another woman.
And so I sit and listen to music that hurts – pink ‘please don’t leave me’ ,Dolly Parton ‘Jolene’ , Katherine Jenkins ‘break it to my heart’, Dory Previn ‘beware the young girls’ – all these women sing to me, they know my pain.
And as long as I am feeling pain know I am alive

Friday, 14 October 2011

Way to go (insert swear word of choice)

Its been a little over 18 months since you ripped my world apart
I am a survivor
Its been 18 months of hell to be honest
but where was I on that grief path?
step 5 "It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."
In this last stage, individuals begin to come to terms with their mortality, or that of a loved one, or other tragic event.

yep folks, I was coming out the other end, light at the end of the tunnel and all that
I had got through two years of my course, and passed
I had decided to take the honours pathway and do a dissertation
I was reducing my anti depressants (and enjoying feeling real feelings)
I even thought about sorting out my diet to lose some of this weight I put on whilst comfort eating the grief away

And then tonight you did it again

after the kids are in bed, you tell me 'we need to talk' I know what is coming
'I am in a relationship and have been for 2 months'
I can have the girls to stay with me at weekends now'
'o wow you are living together already'
'yes, and the girls can stay with us when you are doing your nightshift on Friday'
'ummmmm don't you think I should know a bit more about her before my girls meets her?'
'thing is if I tell you who it is you are going to jump to conclusion'

and bam that's it I know straight away - its Jo, your 'mate'. The bland Trollope. The whore who has been pivotal to all this. Who you said was just a friend, but as soon as you told me you weren't happy in our relationship her name kept cropping up.

Yep that Jo

The Jo that is young enough to be your daughter
who was 2 when my eldest daughter was born (your step daughter)
and who was only 12 when our first child was born
she isn't even old enough to be our youngest child's mother - not even a gym slip mum


wow you must be so flattered a girl half your age in your bed

Me? well let me think I am 42, fat (morbidly obese if you believe the charts) I have saggy boobs (3 kids will do that) a tummy overhang (3 c sections will do that) and bags under my eyes big enough for Lady GaaGaa to pack her tour outfits in (3 kids AND a uni course will do that)

And you have traded me in for a young, slim (ish), blonde with no commitments

You must love your wonderful sense of freedom after being 'tied' down for 15 years by me and the kids.

And that is why I am sitting here at 4am, with eyes red from crying and a headache like a volcano is erupting looking a complete wreck.


yup very very alone

and scared

and not so sure about the surviving thing anymore

My kids will love her
she will be able to have so much fun with them
she has the energy
I bet she wont make them tidy their room and brush their teeth
and do their homework and brush their hair
and I bet they have time and money to take them to legoland
and the beech

and me?

I am alone, very very alone. and lonely and very very scared.

when I was 18 I had an affair with a man old enough to be my Dad (the same age I am now funnily enough) is this my punishment?

well they do say Karma will get you in the end

So watch your back Richard Burfot, beloved husband, partner of 15 years (yup I am still counting because we are still married) father of my children, lover, friend, confident,
and mind your step Jo Parrot, home wrecker, heart breaker, bland Trollope, slag, bitch, whore, tart, someones daughter

Karma will get you, I just hope I am there to see it

so no more Mrs nice guy - pass me the number for the CSA - sorry Mr B did you not realise her income now counts in the calculations - mmmmmm you may want to rethink your new wonderful lifestyle

hell hath no fury like a woman scorned - and o boy I am scorned

back to step 2 - ANGER