Monday, 5 December 2011


I have never been a huge fan of Christmas

as a child it was always a stressful time, with mum and dad fighting

I just realised I am going to be on my own for Christmas


I can't do that

It is not a good time to be alone, not the time to be lonely

I dont know whether to laugh or cry at the thought of it

But I have to put on the smile and pretends its ok, because thats what we do isn't? god forbid other people should have to acknowledge how I feel, or see the pain I have.

So I will put the children to bed, hanging out their stockings and putting out santas sherry on my own
be woken up at silly o'clock and try not to give the empty bed space a weary look (you know the one 'awww bless them waking us up this early, but couldnt they bring a cup of tea with them' look)
I will lay the table for our traditional breakfast of croissants and scrambled eggs, minus a place setting
I will help the children open their presents, look at their faces and play with them

and I will try not to think about how lonely I am, and how no one cares whether I have a nice day or not.

And I can only hope against hope that he remembers to get them a card or present to give to me. because without even a card from the day will be truly awful

and lonely

Tuesday, 29 November 2011

A day without crying?

I want a day without crying, my eyes hurt, my head aches and I feel pathetic. The situation is always in my hand, taking over every part of my life. Without wanting to thoughts creep in, thoughts of how he left me. thoughts of how I am alone. thoughts of him and her together. together with my kids.
I don't even think I blinking love him anymore.
But I don't want to be alone, my whole future has been changed, and I don't know what to do about it.
I often think that if the kids weren't so dependent on me I would kill myself - not for the dramatics, but because I don't want to be alone anymore I hate it.
for nearly 17 years I have shared my life with the same person, slept in the same bed with them, grown up with them (cliche alert) given him the best years of my life.
Now I don't have that and it feels wrong, I don't want to go to bed on my own night after night, I don't want to be without that comfort of physical closeness.
I can't ever imagine knowing someone as well as I knew Mr. B, or him me - in fact I know that no one will ever know me that well - I wont let them.

I am going to get rid of my bed (a super king size) because its so lonely. I will get a new double bed. a bed that only I have slept in. ALONE.

I just don't want to cry anymore, but I don't want to be alone anymore either - but that's my lot in life now

Friday, 18 November 2011

the week ahead

Saturday - an invasion of small people for a movie afternoon, then a spot of paid babysitting in the evening
Sunday - kids off to their aunties for the day, studying for me then
Monday - lovely long day at work
Tuesday - Lunch at the Waffle House, followed by a walk around the lakes for Mums Birthday
Wednesday - a bit of pampering at Champneys
Thursday - Another long day at work (maybe a delivery or two this week please?)
Friday - Ditto Thursday

Not a bad week all in all!

Sunday, 30 October 2011


One step forward, two steps backwards. This seems to be the pattern on my life, for now. I have a day when actually I think I can cope, and then something happens and I am almost back at square one.
And that the point it’s almost square one, but not quite. I am surviving. But I can’t let go of the pain. I seem to torture myself with it. thinking about shared times, visiting places that have meaning to us, listening to music I know will make me cry, pouring over photos of happier times, in my mind comparing myself to her, imagining the moment when (who am I kidding) he realises that it’s all been a mistake and begs me to take him back.
Because that’s what is supposed to happen, he has his midlife crisis, gets it out of his system, and then comes home to his family.
But now there is HER, his child whore. I know she can convince him and those around that there was no hidden agenda to her friendship with him – but I remember being 22 and going out for what I wanted – and getting it.
Ever since the moment he told me it was over (and even before I believe) she has been there in the background, insidious and persuasive. Wanting what she hasn’t got, but is willing to take from another woman.
And so I sit and listen to music that hurts – pink ‘please don’t leave me’ ,Dolly Parton ‘Jolene’ , Katherine Jenkins ‘break it to my heart’, Dory Previn ‘beware the young girls’ – all these women sing to me, they know my pain.
And as long as I am feeling pain know I am alive

Friday, 14 October 2011

Way to go (insert swear word of choice)

Its been a little over 18 months since you ripped my world apart
I am a survivor
Its been 18 months of hell to be honest
but where was I on that grief path?
step 5 "It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."
In this last stage, individuals begin to come to terms with their mortality, or that of a loved one, or other tragic event.

yep folks, I was coming out the other end, light at the end of the tunnel and all that
I had got through two years of my course, and passed
I had decided to take the honours pathway and do a dissertation
I was reducing my anti depressants (and enjoying feeling real feelings)
I even thought about sorting out my diet to lose some of this weight I put on whilst comfort eating the grief away

And then tonight you did it again

after the kids are in bed, you tell me 'we need to talk' I know what is coming
'I am in a relationship and have been for 2 months'
I can have the girls to stay with me at weekends now'
'o wow you are living together already'
'yes, and the girls can stay with us when you are doing your nightshift on Friday'
'ummmmm don't you think I should know a bit more about her before my girls meets her?'
'thing is if I tell you who it is you are going to jump to conclusion'

and bam that's it I know straight away - its Jo, your 'mate'. The bland Trollope. The whore who has been pivotal to all this. Who you said was just a friend, but as soon as you told me you weren't happy in our relationship her name kept cropping up.

Yep that Jo

The Jo that is young enough to be your daughter
who was 2 when my eldest daughter was born (your step daughter)
and who was only 12 when our first child was born
she isn't even old enough to be our youngest child's mother - not even a gym slip mum


wow you must be so flattered a girl half your age in your bed

Me? well let me think I am 42, fat (morbidly obese if you believe the charts) I have saggy boobs (3 kids will do that) a tummy overhang (3 c sections will do that) and bags under my eyes big enough for Lady GaaGaa to pack her tour outfits in (3 kids AND a uni course will do that)

And you have traded me in for a young, slim (ish), blonde with no commitments

You must love your wonderful sense of freedom after being 'tied' down for 15 years by me and the kids.

And that is why I am sitting here at 4am, with eyes red from crying and a headache like a volcano is erupting looking a complete wreck.


yup very very alone

and scared

and not so sure about the surviving thing anymore

My kids will love her
she will be able to have so much fun with them
she has the energy
I bet she wont make them tidy their room and brush their teeth
and do their homework and brush their hair
and I bet they have time and money to take them to legoland
and the beech

and me?

I am alone, very very alone. and lonely and very very scared.

when I was 18 I had an affair with a man old enough to be my Dad (the same age I am now funnily enough) is this my punishment?

well they do say Karma will get you in the end

So watch your back Richard Burfot, beloved husband, partner of 15 years (yup I am still counting because we are still married) father of my children, lover, friend, confident,
and mind your step Jo Parrot, home wrecker, heart breaker, bland Trollope, slag, bitch, whore, tart, someones daughter

Karma will get you, I just hope I am there to see it

so no more Mrs nice guy - pass me the number for the CSA - sorry Mr B did you not realise her income now counts in the calculations - mmmmmm you may want to rethink your new wonderful lifestyle

hell hath no fury like a woman scorned - and o boy I am scorned

back to step 2 - ANGER

Saturday, 30 July 2011

Day of the Kittens

I am totally insane.

  • single mum of 3
  • student midwife
  • 4 guinea pigs
  • 2 gerbils
  • 3 hamsters (thankfully cared for by eldest)
  • an elderly Dad to keep an eye on
and now KITTENS! but hey I love the chaos!

We 'found' these cutie pies about 10 days ago, from the Cats Protection League, we visited them and fell in love straight away. They were too young to come away from Mum then (born on the 29th May 2011). So yesterday they had their first jabs and were microchipped - and in the evening we went to collect them. They have been a constant source of entertainment ever since! having been warned they would probably be drowsy from the jabs we weren't expecting much - but obviously no one told the kittens yet!

Before you ask no they have no names yet - we cant decide!

Monday, 18 July 2011

Aha that feels good

Essays all finished
3 shifts to do
practice based assesment done and handed in
skills book completed and handed in
hours up to date
nearly the end of the second year!

blimey it feels good!
In just under a week I start a 3 week placement at a hospital in another PCT (and another Uni teaching hospital) for the experience.

and then its 6 weeks off - BLISS!

Saturday, 2 July 2011


I am grieving.
grieving for the loss of my lover and friend
grieving for dreams I had for our future
grieving for the life I had

passing through different stages is important to let grief pass

Shock - inital shock of losing someone - Oh yes definately been there, the first few weeks after Mr.B told me were hell, I often felt sick and scared.

Denial - it doesnt feel like its happening - that one went on for a very long time, in fact right up until he moved out in April, and maybe even for a week or so after that.

- physcial pain; achey muscles, loss of apetite, headache, loss of sleep etc - yes yes yes and yes - I actually can feel the pain in my heart and numbness down my arms. I sleep a lot or not at all. Sadly I have never had a loss of appetite - my eating is emotion driven - all emotions make me eat and as a result have put on 2 stone during this process

Guilt -thinking you could have done something differently to change the outcome (when actually you cant) - definately been here, and in truth probably still am - totally over analysing much of our relationship, 'if only' features a lot

Anger - anger at the lost person, at yourself, at others around you - the strength of my anger frightens me, I wish to say no more on that subject

Bargaining - praying to God or alike - funny when you find religion isn't it?

Depression - a time when your at your lowest but this is the turning point it gets better from here...depression can be mild or severe may require medical treatment or emotional support - deep down that black hole right now, and not able to crawl my way out.

so thats where I have been over the last 18 months - and what do I have to look forward to?

Reflection - looking back on what you had and the things you have lost, and what you now have, Reconstruction - building your new life to what you need it to be and Acceptance - knowing there is nothing that you could have done to change the outcome and realising that it was the other persons choice then accepting that this is life now.

I can't even begin to imagine any of those things happenning.....................................

Friday, 1 July 2011

interesting weekend

Mr.B is taking the girls to scout camp this weekend. It will be the first break I have had since moved out (physically, emotionally he has been gone a long time) at the start of April. Its quite timely as I have a stack of essays to write.

But more than that I am looking forward to some peace and quiet for a couple of days.

I am so bloody tired!

Wednesday, 27 April 2011


not going as planned!
I though a new place to share my blogging would inspire me to write again. Seems this hasnt been the case.
But surprise surprise today I find the urge to put fingers to keyboard. and the reason? well I have a mountain of important phonecalls to make and an assignment to write!
and as I dusted my skirtinbg boards whenI last had something to do they dont need doing again for another, let me see, 5 years.

OK back to the phone and essay writing!

Saturday, 9 April 2011

15 years ago

I was coming out of the other side of a bitter marriage seperation, with a small child to look after.

Then I met Mr.B and life became good again. After far too many years we had 2 more children and got married and my life was complete.

The icing on the cake was being accepted to train as a midwife - a life times ambition!

and then in December 2009 Mr.B told me he wasnt happy, he didnt love me, and didnt want to stay with me anymore.

and so here I am coming out the other side of a marriage seperation, with 3 children to look after. Except I amnot coming out the other side yet I am still very much finding my way through a dark maze of emotions. Some of which scare the life out of me, and others confuse me, whilst most leave me feeling so very very sad.

This blog may be happy at times, but I think it will mostly be sad and angry ramblings.

But one thing's for sure its time to get on with my life and finally find Kirsty.