One step forward, two steps backwards. This seems to be the pattern on my life, for now. I have a day when actually I think I can cope, and then something happens and I am almost back at square one.
And that the point it’s almost square one, but not quite. I am surviving. But I can’t let go of the pain. I seem to torture myself with it. thinking about shared times, visiting places that have meaning to us, listening to music I know will make me cry, pouring over photos of happier times, in my mind comparing myself to her, imagining the moment when (who am I kidding) he realises that it’s all been a mistake and begs me to take him back.
Because that’s what is supposed to happen, he has his midlife crisis, gets it out of his system, and then comes home to his family.
But now there is HER, his child whore. I know she can convince him and those around that there was no hidden agenda to her friendship with him – but I remember being 22 and going out for what I wanted – and getting it.
Ever since the moment he told me it was over (and even before I believe) she has been there in the background, insidious and persuasive. Wanting what she hasn’t got, but is willing to take from another woman.
And so I sit and listen to music that hurts – pink ‘please don’t leave me’ ,Dolly Parton ‘Jolene’ , Katherine Jenkins ‘break it to my heart’, Dory Previn ‘beware the young girls’ – all these women sing to me, they know my pain.
And as long as I am feeling pain know I am alive