Tuesday, 29 November 2011

A day without crying?

I want a day without crying, my eyes hurt, my head aches and I feel pathetic. The situation is always in my hand, taking over every part of my life. Without wanting to thoughts creep in, thoughts of how he left me. thoughts of how I am alone. thoughts of him and her together. together with my kids.
I don't even think I blinking love him anymore.
But I don't want to be alone, my whole future has been changed, and I don't know what to do about it.
I often think that if the kids weren't so dependent on me I would kill myself - not for the dramatics, but because I don't want to be alone anymore I hate it.
for nearly 17 years I have shared my life with the same person, slept in the same bed with them, grown up with them (cliche alert) given him the best years of my life.
Now I don't have that and it feels wrong, I don't want to go to bed on my own night after night, I don't want to be without that comfort of physical closeness.
I can't ever imagine knowing someone as well as I knew Mr. B, or him me - in fact I know that no one will ever know me that well - I wont let them.

I am going to get rid of my bed (a super king size) because its so lonely. I will get a new double bed. a bed that only I have slept in. ALONE.

I just don't want to cry anymore, but I don't want to be alone anymore either - but that's my lot in life now

Friday, 18 November 2011

the week ahead

Saturday - an invasion of small people for a movie afternoon, then a spot of paid babysitting in the evening
Sunday - kids off to their aunties for the day, studying for me then
Monday - lovely long day at work
Tuesday - Lunch at the Waffle House, followed by a walk around the lakes for Mums Birthday
Wednesday - a bit of pampering at Champneys
Thursday - Another long day at work (maybe a delivery or two this week please?)
Friday - Ditto Thursday

Not a bad week all in all!