I want a day without crying, my eyes hurt, my head aches and I feel pathetic. The situation is always in my hand, taking over every part of my life. Without wanting to thoughts creep in, thoughts of how he left me. thoughts of how I am alone. thoughts of him and her together. together with my kids.
I don't even think I blinking love him anymore.
But I don't want to be alone, my whole future has been changed, and I don't know what to do about it.
I often think that if the kids weren't so dependent on me I would kill myself - not for the dramatics, but because I don't want to be alone anymore I hate it.
for nearly 17 years I have shared my life with the same person, slept in the same bed with them, grown up with them (cliche alert) given him the best years of my life.
Now I don't have that and it feels wrong, I don't want to go to bed on my own night after night, I don't want to be without that comfort of physical closeness.
I can't ever imagine knowing someone as well as I knew Mr. B, or him me - in fact I know that no one will ever know me that well - I wont let them.
I am going to get rid of my bed (a super king size) because its so lonely. I will get a new double bed. a bed that only I have slept in. ALONE.
I just don't want to cry anymore, but I don't want to be alone anymore either - but that's my lot in life now