Tuesday, 29 May 2012

Careless talk costs lives

Or at least, it can break hearts.

the last couple of years have been incredibly hard on me, emotionally, after Mr.B left.  I didn't think my heart would ever heal as it was broken so badly. But then for the last couple of weeks I have been very much cheered up by a certain bloke I met on the Internet, its been great fun chatting and texting.  Even talking of maybe meeting up.
Then something happened that confused me (now that doesn't take a lot, but with relationship stuff its really confusing) so I talked to a mutual friend of ours.
Unfortunately she thought she was doing the right thing by talking to him - no that was the worse thing she could have done, and now he wants no more contact with me.

So now I am back to square one, reminding myself that hearts on sleeves and trust aren't good things.

I really don't think I will bother anymore.  I don't like being alone, but at least alone you know where you stand and no one can hurt you.

Because really there is only so much hurt you can endure isn't there?

Maybe lovely bloke will forgive me, maybe he won't. But as he won't give me a chance then I can't explain that I am actually a very honest and upfront person (yup that'll be most my problem won't it?)

I just want to be happy, is that really too much to ask for?
I realise I should count my blessings with my children and my health, but don't you think emotional well being goes way beyond that.  I think its about being comfortable in your own skin and not self doubting all the time.  But if you keep getting knocked back how will you ever achieve that?

urgh this is not a good day, I'm still ill which makes it *very* hard to be rational about stuff.

Going to have a couple of hours downtime now and see if I can stop my head from whirling thoughts around - its like having a blender up there at the moment.

Monday, 28 May 2012

I want my Mum!

At what age do you stop wanting your Mum when you are ill?
Because I am 43 and and feel proper poorly and I want my Mum
At least I want someone to look after me, to make me a cup of tea and give me a hug.  Tuck me in bed, and read me a story!
However I am the brave soldier, who packed her daughters suitcase for the trip away, went to work today, did the Brownie run this evening and proof read my dissertation. All with a raging temperature, banging headache and a chesty cough - Hooray for Day Nurse.

Being a kid is wonderful, only when you're a kid you don't realise it - as they say youth is wasted on the young!

O.K I am a bit of a wimp when I am ill, I admit it!

Sunday, 27 May 2012

So here I am

I passed my exam.  This made me very happy.

But everything else seems to leave me confused.  Its like my mind can compute black and white, but the minute things go grey I can't understand it.

I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve a lot - which is crazy when I have major trust issues!

Its like I want to set myself up for a fall, but the thought of that just leaves me feeling sick.

I swear this was easier when I was a teenager!

If you fancied them you said 'want to go out'

If they pissed you off you said 'right what have I done wrong'

If you saw them eyeing up another girl you said 'eyes front lad or piss off'

and by and large that was it.

you were frequently a dumper, or the the dumped.  you went home, ate chocolate, cried and packed up all his mixed cassettes in a box and gave them back to him.  As I got older cards and love letters joined the cassettes, and eventually engagement rings.  well actually thats a bollocking great lie - I kept all those!

But in the end you piked yourself out, put on a bit of lippy and went out with your mates. Hey presto you met someone else.

These days there is so much more at stake; Your dignity for one! and the amount of 'time' and 'energy' you invest seems to be so much more precious when you are older.

Not sure why that it is, maybe something to do with realising your own mortality after all there comes a time when you have to wake up to the fact you may have less years left to live, than you have already lived.

Important to make that time matter then? Not hide away, and be scared.

But life is scary, and it is easy to hide.

Maybe I should cover that heart up a bit.  Stop spending my life feeling sick about everything. Just sit back and enjoy it for the ride that it is.

Yeah recognsing your own faults is one thing, but is it possible to act on them and improve things?

Monday, 21 May 2012

Exam stress, dissertations and reflection

Of everything I have been through in my life, I can honestly say that hand on heart this is the most stressful time. EVER.

I failed an exam which I had to resit (or restand because its a practical!) this morning, my dissertation deadline is looming, portfolio needs completing and reflections need writing.

All this and I still need to get a job! I find it utterly amazing that despite training with the trust for 3 years, getting a job on qualification is not a given. We have to apply and interview the same as everyone else.  the interview process also includes emergency work stations (such as the stuff we've been going through with OSCE's), only if you pass that will you have an interview - all done on the same day, the walk of shame if you don't get through the work stations must be horrific - worse than falling off your heels on a night out!

Actually I feel pretty sick about the whole process - especially when I am still not sure whether I really want to be a midwife.

Well I do want to be a midwife, I love it.  I love supporting women through such an important time of their life.  But I cannot cope with the politics in the hospital, or some of the seemingly pointless policies and protocols.  And as for the way staff at a lower band (and students) are generally treated, that is appalling.  There are still some 'sisters' who will order a student to make a cup of tea for her, even though the 'sister' is doing paperwork and the student is desperately trying to gain experiences, numbers for her book and essential skills.  Mind you I have seen Newly Qualifieds behaving the same way - seems to give them a sense of importance (even though they were a student just few months previously).

I hope I can remember these things when I am a mentor and can cut some slack to how my students may be feeling, not expecting them to cope with the awful things we see, with no support just an order to 'make a pot of tea'.  maybe I will re read this post once a month from November onwards just to keep myself grounded?

Sunday, 13 May 2012

A little bit of what you fancy

chocolate, shoe shopping, wine, trashy soap operas, dolly parton, online flirting........

So which one is anymore harmful than another? You want my opinion? none. 

they are all good for your soul, as long as you dont binge on the chocolate, max the credit card on the shoes, get drunk every night, do nothing but lounge on the sofa in front of TV, Dont sing Dolly at 3am and do not do anything to hurt another with the cheeky chatting.

And me? well I don't drink wine (very often!) but the rest I do indulge in, some more than others - and I enjoy them all!

Tuesday, 8 May 2012

I like a bit of statistics

and I found it fascinating that only 4% of you are browsing in firefox!


equally amazing is that the majority of you use a mac (I know at least 2 of you by name!) although 1 of you is obviously top secret

but what really intrigues me is who the fuck is reading my blog in Russia?!


34 days

ye gods have I found a tardis and travelled back in time?

no the righteous one (programme tutor) has granted me a 2 week extension

thank fuck for that!

mind you still have to get personal tutor to write a letter supporting me.  personal tutor is also dissertation superviser.

and the small matter of 5000 words still left to write!