Sunday, 27 May 2012

So here I am

I passed my exam.  This made me very happy.

But everything else seems to leave me confused.  Its like my mind can compute black and white, but the minute things go grey I can't understand it.

I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve a lot - which is crazy when I have major trust issues!

Its like I want to set myself up for a fall, but the thought of that just leaves me feeling sick.

I swear this was easier when I was a teenager!

If you fancied them you said 'want to go out'

If they pissed you off you said 'right what have I done wrong'

If you saw them eyeing up another girl you said 'eyes front lad or piss off'

and by and large that was it.

you were frequently a dumper, or the the dumped.  you went home, ate chocolate, cried and packed up all his mixed cassettes in a box and gave them back to him.  As I got older cards and love letters joined the cassettes, and eventually engagement rings.  well actually thats a bollocking great lie - I kept all those!

But in the end you piked yourself out, put on a bit of lippy and went out with your mates. Hey presto you met someone else.

These days there is so much more at stake; Your dignity for one! and the amount of 'time' and 'energy' you invest seems to be so much more precious when you are older.

Not sure why that it is, maybe something to do with realising your own mortality after all there comes a time when you have to wake up to the fact you may have less years left to live, than you have already lived.

Important to make that time matter then? Not hide away, and be scared.

But life is scary, and it is easy to hide.

Maybe I should cover that heart up a bit.  Stop spending my life feeling sick about everything. Just sit back and enjoy it for the ride that it is.

Yeah recognsing your own faults is one thing, but is it possible to act on them and improve things?

No comments:

Post a Comment