I am grieving.
grieving for the loss of my lover and friend
grieving for dreams I had for our future
grieving for the life I had
passing through different stages is important to let grief pass
Shock - inital shock of losing someone - Oh yes definately been there, the first few weeks after Mr.B told me were hell, I often felt sick and scared.
Denial - it doesnt feel like its happening - that one went on for a very long time, in fact right up until he moved out in April, and maybe even for a week or so after that.
Pain - physcial pain; achey muscles, loss of apetite, headache, loss of sleep etc - yes yes yes and yes - I actually can feel the pain in my heart and numbness down my arms. I sleep a lot or not at all. Sadly I have never had a loss of appetite - my eating is emotion driven - all emotions make me eat and as a result have put on 2 stone during this process
Guilt -thinking you could have done something differently to change the outcome (when actually you cant) - definately been here, and in truth probably still am - totally over analysing much of our relationship, 'if only' features a lot
Anger - anger at the lost person, at yourself, at others around you - the strength of my anger frightens me, I wish to say no more on that subject
Bargaining - praying to God or alike - funny when you find religion isn't it?
Depression - a time when your at your lowest but this is the turning point it gets better from here...depression can be mild or severe may require medical treatment or emotional support - deep down that black hole right now, and not able to crawl my way out.
so thats where I have been over the last 18 months - and what do I have to look forward to?
Reflection - looking back on what you had and the things you have lost, and what you now have, Reconstruction - building your new life to what you need it to be and Acceptance - knowing there is nothing that you could have done to change the outcome and realising that it was the other persons choice then accepting that this is life now.
I can't even begin to imagine any of those things happenning.....................................