I am grieving.
grieving for the loss of my lover and friend
grieving for dreams I had for our future
grieving for the life I had
passing through different stages is important to let grief pass
Shock - inital shock of losing someone - Oh yes definately been there, the first few weeks after Mr.B told me were hell, I often felt sick and scared.
Denial - it doesnt feel like its happening - that one went on for a very long time,
in fact right up until he moved out in April, and maybe even for a week or so after that.
Pain - physcial pain; achey muscles, loss of apetite, headache, loss of sleep etc - yes yes yes and yes - I actually can feel the pain in my heart and numbness down my arms. I sleep a lot or not at all. Sadly I have never had a loss of appetite - my eating is emotion driven - all emotions make me eat and as a result have put on 2 stone during this process
Guilt -thinking you could have done something differently to change the outcome (when actually you cant) - definately been here, and in truth probably still am - totally over analysing much of our relationship, 'if only' features a lot
Anger - anger at the lost person, at yourself, at others around you - the strength of my anger frightens me, I wish to say no more on that subject
Bargaining - praying to God or alike - funny when you find religion isn't it?
Depression - a time when your at your lowest but this is the turning point it gets better from here...depression can be mild or severe may require medical treatment or emotional support - deep down that black hole right now, and not able to crawl my way out.
so thats where I have been over the last 18 months - and what do I have to look forward to?
Reflection - looking back on what you had and the things you have lost, and what you now have, Reconstruction - building your new life to what you need it to be and Acceptance - knowing there is nothing that you could have done to change the outcome and realising that it was the other persons choice then accepting that this is life now.I can't even begin to imagine any of those things happenning.....................................
