mmmm who would blog?

interesting question. I was talking about my blog to a couple of colleagues today, they asked me what I write about.

I tried to explain, when in my head all I kept thinking was 'TWADDLE'!

I started blogging way back when Mr.B and me were planing our wedding, as a way of keeping my thoughts straight and letting everyone know how the plans were going.

this blog doesn't seemed to have evolved into anything yet - its neither a progress blog, nor a boasting blog, nor a very helpful blog.

I don't think it really makes for riveting reading either - mostly. I must say some interesting things because I do get hits *hello whoever*

what would you like to read about? I can be whatever you want me to be, no that sounds just plain wrong. I like blogging, I can let my mind wander and I find it helps give me clarity of thought.

I have written so many blog posts, in my head, usually whilst driving - I need to those down on 'paper' and out there into the blogasphere - because in my mind they are witty and fab posts.

Now what was I saying? O yeah, who would blog?
I guess its people like me, who like the sound of their own thoughts and think their opinions matter!

blast

I failed my Exam - this has not helped me be positive about everything.
the childrens Dad is being less than helpful with looking after them.
this means I am falling way behind with my dissertation.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

That is all

for now

Electric cars, the way forward?

I have a lovely friend, who I had the the privilege of supporting through the last part of her 3rd pregnancy, and in the early days after Danger was born.

Her Husband is hoping to win a fantastic new electric car from Nissan (which is the car I plan to buy once I qualify!)- you can help them by voting for him - click the link on the right hand side here, or visit his blog (always a good read), there is also a video you can watch of the challenge to feed his family for the cost of days car electrical charge!

And I am sure if they won they would buy me a big cake!

seriously though, it would be great for this young family to have a break, they have had some rotten luck recently!

Sunny Days and Exams

So the weather has changed again! My first mother in law (o yeas there have been 2!) is from Guyana, she once commented that we don't have a climate in the UK we have weather - I am inclined to agree.
The girls spent the weekend with their dad, and when I packed last Tuesday (OK well in advance but I had to be organised last week!) the weather was - well - dull! come the weekend the poor kids didn't have light clothes, sandals, sun hats, suncream........
Mr.B managed to get them has, but despite my suggestion he picked some other stuff up eldest daughter went to school on Monday with ugg style boots on and no sunhat *sigh*

never mind all sorted now, a mad dash into the loft on Monday evening resulted in summer school dresses for them both! Of course, middle child has now been off sick for 2 days so we haven't had much chance to enjoy the sun. But the guinea pigs have and I love getting the laundry on the line.

So the reason for Mr.B having the girls for a long weekend was for some last minute revision for me. Monday was my OSCE exams *gulp* . Knowing only we would have to deal with 2 emergency midwifery skills and one clinical skill - there was a lot to revise. Monday morning found me a quivering wreck! one neonatal resus, one pph, an aeseptic fse application and 3 hours later and it was over. Time will tell if I have done enough to pass, I am quietly confident that I was fine on exam 2 and 3 but am worried about my performance in the first one. Nerves got the better of me and tears were rolling down my cheeks as I was trying to revive a flat doll!

So off to Triage on Tuesday for a weeks placement, basically dealing with woman as they arrive at the maternity unit on an unplanned admission - we monitor, clerk and send to the correct part of the unit. We were quiet, there were no other students, one of our ladies decided she wasn't unwell but in advanced labour (OK so she didn't decide her body did) and I delivered her - it was amazing, wonderful, incredible, awesome and a massive cure for the negativity a previous mentor had given me! and so unexpected - hello baby number 31! nearly there.

So whats left?

half of a practice based assessment
3 x 1000 word reflective essays
a CV
a personal statement
13 weeks practice
10,000 dissertation
3 more antenatal checks (to get to 100)
9 more deliveries
5 more care in labour
47 more post natal checks (to make 100)
38 new born checks (to make - guess what? - 100!)
19 hand expressing care
13 more 'skills' to sign off

and a job to get ;/

wow so achievable (except maybe the last one, jobs are thin on the ground)

so close now people, so close now!

A little bit of fundraising

That isn't all over the national media.
Whilst I am sure Sport Relief is a very worthy cause there are so many smaller charities that don't get government funding, or huge celebratory promotion, or massive media presence.
Maybe if you tip a quid in the direction of Sport Relief you might want to give an equal amount to one of these smaller charities who struggle so much?

Direct Debit are running a big campaign at the moment

Recently a local friend blogger wrote a post nominating me for the award

It came at a time when I was struggling greatly with my training, my mentor at the time was giving me an incredibly hard time and I was doubting my abilities and wondering whether the last 2.5 years had been worth the heart break. Her words were like chicken soup for my soul. I had made a difference to her. That meant more than good marks in an assessment or an A* in an essay!

However I don't think I deserve that money. I am not in any great 'need' sure student life is tough, but hey I didn't train thinking I would be rich!

I have in turn nominated Hannah and her Mum, Julia (a single parent who gives her little girl an amazing quality of life, through sheer bloody hard work despite a lack of funding and yet still has her very autistic nephew to stay, offers to have my aspie kid, thinks nothing of taking the shirt of her back for you - a bit more about Julia's life is here), I ask you to please take the time to read her story here


I first met Hannah about 6 years ago when she joined the Brownies I used to run, no matter what sort of day I had, no matter how down I was - one smile from that little girl lit up the room and made you realise that the crap didn't matter.

4 years ago I started to raise money to buy an important piece of equipment to make Hannah and Julia's life easier. I have raised some money along the way - not as much as I would like, fundraising is hard going - not many people are willing to give, at times I felt like I was flogging a dead horse and then of course my life got in the way (Mr. B leaving, the course sucking my life) and I have not been as active as I should have been.

I know that Hannah needs so much more than the original equipment I set out to fund, and this money would go a long way to filling those needs

Please nominate Julia to win the money, I can not think of anyone who is more of a local hero than her!

Proud of my kids I am

yup really, little buggers they are. Drive me nuts most the time. But proud I am!

Biggest daughter has grown into a beautiful young woman, and despite the shocking commute hangs on to her job - not another unemployment statistic there, I am proud to say!

Middle girl, although she has her problems she does some very brave things - this week she not only took part in a multiple schools choir, but on the stage in front of 100's of strangers she stood up and spoke some lines - *bursts with pride*

Yesterday another Mum at school asked me if I was smallest childs mum, yeeeeees replies I, thinking what has she done now? I can tell you look alike replies the mum. Then she proceeds to tell me she had smallest child in her group onn school trip this week and what a delightful child she is - *yup totally proud popping going on here*!

Life might not be easy as a ingle Mum (yuck I hate writing that) but the rewards are so huge that sometimes its O.K

shit

I have never been a huge fan of Christmas

as a child it was always a stressful time, with mum and dad fighting

I just realised I am going to be on my own for Christmas

Shit

I can't do that

It is not a good time to be alone, not the time to be lonely

I dont know whether to laugh or cry at the thought of it

But I have to put on the smile and pretends its ok, because thats what we do isn't? god forbid other people should have to acknowledge how I feel, or see the pain I have.

So I will put the children to bed, hanging out their stockings and putting out santas sherry on my own
be woken up at silly o'clock and try not to give the empty bed space a weary look (you know the one 'awww bless them waking us up this early, but couldnt they bring a cup of tea with them' look)
I will lay the table for our traditional breakfast of croissants and scrambled eggs, minus a place setting
I will help the children open their presents, look at their faces and play with them

and I will try not to think about how lonely I am, and how no one cares whether I have a nice day or not.

And I can only hope against hope that he remembers to get them a card or present to give to me. because without even a card from the day will be truly awful

and lonely